i love demetri martin. he rocks. and makes me lol (or lqtm). so here are some of my favorite demetriisms.
i got some new pajamas with pockets in them. which is great because before that i used to have to hold stuff when i slept. but now i/m like “where/s my planner? there it is. keep sleeping.” all right. perfect.
i was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. and that/s when i realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. and a crushed fly is a lot like a bluberry. and a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
when you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
i went into a clothing store and the lady asked me what size i was. i said ‘actual’.
‘sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. sort of. it/s just a filler. sort of - it doesn/t really mean anything. but after certain things, sort of means everything. like after “i love you” or “you/re going to live” or “it/s a boy”.
i like the beach. i like to get there really early before everyone else shows up
and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. then i wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, i go up behind them because when they open it there/s a note saying ‘i/m standing right behind you’.
when someone types in their pin i yell ‘got it’ and then run away.
graffiti/s the most passionate literature there is. it/s always like ‘bush sucks!’ or ‘u2 rocks!’. i want to make indifferent graffiti. ‘toy story 2 was okay.’ ‘i like sheryl as a friend, but i/m not sure about taking things further.’
a mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
‘cotton balls’ is an example of something i would buy but not want to have as a nickname. ‘cinnamon buns’, on the other hand, is something i would buy and want to have as a nickname. ‘are you cinnamon buns?’ ‘you bet your sweet ass i am’.
glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
hiking is just walking where it/s okay to pee. sometimes old people hike on accident.
i got some new pajamas with pockets in them. which is great because before that i used to have to hold stuff when i slept. but now i/m like “where/s my planner? there it is. keep sleeping.” all right. perfect.
i was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. and that/s when i realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. and a crushed fly is a lot like a bluberry. and a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
when you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
i went into a clothing store and the lady asked me what size i was. i said ‘actual’.
‘sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. sort of. it/s just a filler. sort of - it doesn/t really mean anything. but after certain things, sort of means everything. like after “i love you” or “you/re going to live” or “it/s a boy”.
i like the beach. i like to get there really early before everyone else shows up
and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. then i wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, i go up behind them because when they open it there/s a note saying ‘i/m standing right behind you’.when someone types in their pin i yell ‘got it’ and then run away.
graffiti/s the most passionate literature there is. it/s always like ‘bush sucks!’ or ‘u2 rocks!’. i want to make indifferent graffiti. ‘toy story 2 was okay.’ ‘i like sheryl as a friend, but i/m not sure about taking things further.’
a mobile home with a flat tire is a home.
if i ever saw an amputee getting hanged, i/d probably just start calling out letters.
‘cotton balls’ is an example of something i would buy but not want to have as a nickname. ‘cinnamon buns’, on the other hand, is something i would buy and want to have as a nickname. ‘are you cinnamon buns?’ ‘you bet your sweet ass i am’.
glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
hiking is just walking where it/s okay to pee. sometimes old people hike on accident.
No comments:
Post a Comment